Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My sex drive has a dui
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
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My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye