My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.