friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?