*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
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Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Autocorrect completely socks
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.