“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.