Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
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Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”