God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
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[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
my fav colour is also hitler
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.