i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
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[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you