5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Bootstraps
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*