Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
You Might Also Like
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
who wore it better?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
BaD BoY!!
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes