Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
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At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.