I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
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Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
an airline just for babies.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.