anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
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The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
what are they serving at kfc then???
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep