[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
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Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!