Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
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Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Brb my Sims are getting married
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Yup.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.