Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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i- i did not expect this
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
just got my engagement photos
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence