me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
“Miss me yet?” – 2019