Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Customize Your Wedding.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
You have been warned.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.