My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
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Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Life with a cat in one tweet
This kid is going places
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending