Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
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Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂