“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
TWEET CALL
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
TRAIN’S HERE
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.