Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
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100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way