If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.