Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.