Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
sigh
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no