If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
You Might Also Like
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.