INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
This one’s “Alex”.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird