The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
mmm onion ringos
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her: