Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
You Might Also Like
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC