“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
こいつ天才
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Terribly Tuesday.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*