warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
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“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Seismologists are loyal to a fault