Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
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my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.