My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
another case of gang violins
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”