(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
You Might Also Like
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Seems kinda suspicious
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.