Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
*mops up wine with cat*
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies