At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are