2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
(yawn)
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?