the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
my one true gender
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself