Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
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My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
This week’s mood.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…