Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?