Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
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5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.