[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Cause of death: Zumba
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
opening twitter today
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.