I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.