Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.