When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
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[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket