A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro