I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
I drew y’all a little something.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir