“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
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a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat