Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
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Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct