The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
You Might Also Like
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)