People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
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adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?